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About one-fourth of all children in the United States live in a single-parent household. In fact, the second-most common arrangement for children living in the U.S. is living in a home headed by a single mom.

Single parents often find themselves stressed out and exhausted. From financial concerns and sole household duties to navigating shared custody, there’s no doubt single parents face extra challenges. But what exactly are their unique challenges, and how can we — as friends and fellow club members — offer our support?

“My biggest parenting challenge is that the challenges are forever changing,” explains single mom Tonya Neville of Hutchinson, Kansas, who is raising her four kids: Jaelynn, 13, Eliana and Amalia, 10, and Micah, 8. “By the time I think that I’ve got things worked out, ages and stages change once again.”

The Joys of Family Life and Mothering Twins
“My biggest joy in parenting is watching my children become amazing little people. It is the simple things like sitting on the couch and watching them play with the new toy I gave them for their birthday, listening to them play together in another room, and looking out my kitchen window to see them in the sandbox or on the tree swing just enjoying peace,” Tonya says. “Not all of our time together is easy, joyful or peaceful, but when I see my kids in their own element at school or in their individual sports, they are kind, hard-working and talented. It is a joy to witness them implementing the things I have taught them, as well as their individual uniqueness.”

The Hidden Benefits for Single Parents
Research shows there are a number of benefits to single parenting, including the chance to form a closer bond with your children and the fact that children aren’t witnessing daily conflicts between the parents. Single parents are able to make all the decisions regarding household rules, technology use, medical treatments and other issues (although the flip side is lack of control when the kids are staying in another household). If other caregivers are routinely responsible for the children, single moms may enjoy some alone time to recharge their physical and emotional batteries.

The Struggles Faced by Single Moms
Despite these few potential benefits, most single parents need help from others, and financial concerns usually top the list of single mom stressors.

“I have only myself to make family decisions. Only one brain to think through, plan for, and accomplish life as a family.  I must be extremely intentional in everything from how I spend my time to how I spend my dollar. Worry and guilt are my constant companions,” Tonya says. “My current parenting challenge is better learning who I am so that I can better support each of my kids in their individual needs.”

“Single parenting is incredibly hard,” she admits. “It’s an everyday battle and a talented juggling act. I cannot be the mom I want to be, in numerous ways. I cannot get enough hours in for work, and I cannot get enough hours in to be mom. There is only one of me, no one else to fill in the gaps. It’s all on me!”

Local Clubs Can Provide Much-Needed Services for Families
Being the only adult in a household can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. This is a great opportunity for a local club to step up and show support for members. One idea is to form a Single Parents subgroup that can gather for playdates, adult-only dinners or weekend breakfasts (bonus points to club members who babysit during these times!).

“My local club gave me a place to turn to for support and encouragement during my new years as a twin mom,” Tonya says. “I gained friendships with older, experienced moms that I still have today. Those moms lived through many challenges outside of parenting twins, and they were there with smiles and positive attitudes. That was comforting for me. One of the things I appreciated most about my local club was their desire to serve new moms and meet them where they are at. My confidence as a mom of four, mom of twins, and a mom of a special needs child was boosted.”

Friends and leaders within a local club need to keep one important thing in mind: the parent may be struggling with whatever condition led them to be single. Death of a spouse and divorce are both traumatic events, and we need to be sensitive about these issues. For grieving spouses, Multiples of America offers a number of resources on our website, including the Loss of Spouse brochure and one-on-one support from a National Worker volunteer who provides bereavement support.

Tonya has advice for anyone going through a high-conflict divorce. “There are many important things you need to do to make the best of your new life,” she says. “Join the single parenting groups, healing groups, court system help groups, read the parenting books, write in a journal and ask for help. Make time and space to grieve and heal.”

Single Parenting Tips
– Find a way to enjoy some alone time. Easier said than done, but crucial to any mom’s mental health, which in turn impacts our children’s mental health and stability. Maintaining friendships and nurturing adult relationships can give you an emotional boost when you need it most.

 – Build a network of support for help when you need it. Your local club is a great place to start, or contact Multiples of America to learn about other resources. Team up with other parents for babysitting,  sleepover swaps and carpooling. “You must gather a support system, because you will not survive on your own. I have an incredible support system that is the reason I am still growing today,” says Tonya.

– Don’t hesitate to ask for help. This includes expecting your kids to help with chores, which research shows leads to increased self-esteem and better work-ethic as adults. A win-win!

– Show yourself some grace. “People do not understand how society works against single parents,” says Tonya, adding that single parenting means “learning to accept that just doing your best is good enough.”

– Manage your stress. Healthy eating, sleeping and finding a little time for physical activity can go a long way in keeping your stress at lower levels. “When I am healthy and whole, I can keep up with whatever comes our way,” Tonya says.

– Learn to say no. “Do not forget that you are a human too! You can’t do it all, and you are going to make mistakes,” says Tonya. Set some boundaries and try to stick with them. That includes recognizing your limits and saying no at times — to your kids, neighbors, the school PTA or whoever is demanding more than you can give.

– Find your village. “You need to come to terms with the court system entering your life and taking away some of your power as a parent,” she says. “You must find mentors and counselors to help guide you through all of the forced changes. It takes a village, and you will have to create it. Hopefully, one day, you will see beauty in the changes and feel peace.”

– Make rules and be consistent. “You are always out-numbered by your kids as a single parent of multiples, so make clear rules and be consistent with any punishment,” says J. Susan Griffith, MD, of Bluegrass Parents of Twins & Multiples Club, KY, who was a single parent since her fraternal twin sons were 8 months old (they are now in their 30s). “Usually the result of breaking a rule was being put in time out (or grounded when they were older) or they had a privilege taken away for a specified time (TV watching, computer games, etc.). Once when my twins were 17, one was being grounded for not coming home by his curfew time. He continued to mope and complain the entire weekend he was grounded. I asked, ‘Why are you acting like this?’ and he said ‘My friends at school say if you complain enough your parents will let you out of being grounded’ to which I replied, “Has that ever worked for you before?’ He sheepishly replied, ‘No!’ so I told him to quit complaining or he would be grounded for longer. My sons told me their friends at school really respected that I was so consistent and fair.”

By Sara Barr

Around the time I registered my twin girls for kindergarten, I heard about the nationwide trend of parents holding back their children from starting kindergarten to give them the advantage of increased age and maturity. Since my twins’ birthday is late July, I became especially interested in this issue. The idea of “redshirting” originated in sports, giving an additional year for athletes to become bigger and stronger, and the term is now applied to academics, where the trend is rapidly growing. An article in The New Yorker reported that in 1968, 4% of kindergarten students in America were 6 years old; by 1995, the number had grown to 9%; and in 2008, it had risen to 17%.

On the surface, redshirting makes sense, following the assumption that a 6-year-old brain is more capable than a 5-year-old brain of handling a classroom setting. Often this assumption is true, and some kids need that extra year of development. It’s when the decision is made for competitive reasons — trying to give a child an edge over other students, regardless of readiness or maturity — that it causes concern for education leaders.

Some experts consider redshirting to be “gaming the system,” since delaying entry is not an option for families who can’t afford to pay for another year of daycare or preschool when the child can legitimately attend a free public kindergarten. No doubt, the trend to hold kids back is primarily exercised by affluent parents.

REASONS FOR REDSHIRTING

The reasons parents state for redshirting vary from unpredictable (holding back a boy in hopes he’ll be taller than the girls; advancing a girl so she isn’t more physically developed than her classmates; or concern a boy won’t be able to go on dates if he can’t drive as early as his classmates) to extremely valid (a child being emotionally, academically or socially immature).

Donna Miller, of GEMS (SC) Mothers of Older Twins, has been an elementary school teacher for more than 30 years. She is now retired and often substitutes in kindergarten classes.

“The oldest kids in the class are more social, better able to separate from Mom, more focused, and more interested in learning,” said Donna, who sees “a vast difference” among the oldest and youngest children in the class. “I didn’t see as much of a split among 5th graders, but it makes a huge difference in kindergarten.”

In addition to age, gender often plays a role in maturity rates. “It could be wise to give boys especially another year to get ready. Boys tend to take a little longer to get into the idea of school and sitting in a classroom,” Donna said. Obviously, this complicates the decision for parents of boy-girl multiples.

THE COMPLICATING FACTOR OF MULTIPLES

Deven Kane of Northwest Suburban (MI) Mothers of Multiples has triplets (two girls and a boy) who will turn 5 in mid-August and immediately start kindergarten. “The people in their preschool all communicate that they are ready to move forward with reading, mathematics, physical and social skills. Our children have participated in sports; and none of them stood out as being less physically ready than the rest of the team. Mostly, we are trusting the opinion of the professionals.”

Making the decision for two — or in Deven’s case, three — children at once isn’t easy. “The biggest concern is if one falls behind, can we really make a decision to hold the one back while allowing the others to move forward?”

Since they were toddlers, Deven realized they would be younger than their classmates, so she took steps to boost their readiness. “Team sports help kids develop maturity, learn cooperation, follow directions and learn to take turns, all of which is essential in kindergarten.” Deven believes that enrolling young kids in team and individual sports can have a much bigger impact in the long run than holding them back a year in school.

“As an educator, I had a difficult time making this decision,” Deven continued. “I have seen students who started school young and never filled in those gaps in learning. I don’t want to see my own children struggle. At the same time, parents know their children best, and we know our children’s capabilities.”

Beth McGuire of Multiples of the Midlands (SC) has twin boys in kindergarten. “They turned 6 in late September, so we missed the cut off. And I was relieved! In preschool they were some of the smaller boys in their class, and both were sensitive about it. While there are taller boys this year in kindergarten, they like that they are no longer the smallest. Parents need to look at their individual child’s needs and maturity. Kids are much more resilient than we often give them credit for being. Children are little sponges. I worried incessantly about going from the small, nurturing Montessori environment to a large, public school setting. Now I laugh when I think about those worries because my boys are doing great.”

A YEAR OF TRANSITION

A great option for children with summer and fall birthdays are “transitional kindergarten” programs offered in some states. These programs — often called Young Fives — feature a modified curriculum tailored to children who may not be ready for the challenges of regular kindergarten, or who seem ready but don’t meet the state’s age requirement. California and Michigan are two states offering this option, and it is free in some areas and tuition-based in others.

Kim Dahring of Northwest Suburban (MI) Mothers of Multiples has 5-year-old fraternal twin girls. They have a late-August birthday, and Kim enrolled them in Young Fives. “I didn’t see any disadvantage other than cost. The pros outweighed the cost exponentially. My twins will have an additional year to build skills and perhaps avoid unnecessary struggles. We believe they also may have more confidence and maturity. One year can bring a lot of growth mentally and physically. We have older daughters who were young in their classes, and we firmly feel they would have benefited from an additional year before going to college.”

Depending on a state’s specific laws, at the end of the transition year, children may be recommended for traditional kindergarten or 1st grade, depending on their readiness. And public schools in some states offer summer programs to help kids prepare before kindergarten begins.

My twin daughters are thriving in a small, private kindergarten that meets four days a week, for less than five hours a day. Our twins will begin 1st grade in public school in the fall, only two weeks after they turn 6, and others frequently question me about our decision. While I have normal concerns that most mothers feel as their children start “big kid” school, I believe they are ready for the challenge of 1st grade, despite being younger than most of their classmates.

NEW RESEARCH FINDINGS

Children who were redshirted years ago are now old enough for researchers to measure the impact of their delayed start. One study found that “while earlier studies have argued that redshirted children do better both socially and academically … more recent analyses suggest the opposite: the youngest kids, who barely make the age cutoff but are enrolled anyway, ultimately end up on top.”

At least three other studies have similar findings, including a 2008 study at Harvard University, whose researchers believe “the younger students experienced positive effects from being in a relatively more mature environment: in striving to catch up with their peers, they ended up surpassing them.” For years, Montessori and other independent schools have structured their classrooms around this premise: younger students benefit from having older peers.

It’s hard to deny that being bigger, quicker and more mature is a good thing. And many studies have supported that hypothesis, showing higher scores, better teacher evaluations and improved social skills for older students during the elementary years. But those early advantages may disappear by high school and college, where multiple studies show younger students outperform their older classmates and have higher graduation rates. These researchers agree with those in the Harvard study: if you are always bigger and smarter, you may be more likely to get bored and think that learning should come easily. If you’re relatively younger, you are constantly forced to reach for your limits. This research indicates that teaching our children to deal with and overcome obstacles can have a long-lasting effect that could serve them well throughout their lifetimes.

Kindergarten teacher Alyssa Metze is married to a twin son of Christina Metze of Multiples of the Midlands (SC). She points out there are dangers to making blanket statements that apply to all children, as researchers often do. “The decision needs to be made on a case-by-case basis. Parents must closely observe their children’s behaviors and judge their readiness as best they can. All children are different. They walk, talk, learn and do everything else differently,” said Alyssa.

Connie Christie of the Capitol Area (MI) Mothers of Multiples is mother to 25-year-old twin girls and younger singleton. Connie’s twins have an early October birthday and were older than many of their classmates. She believes being older than their classmates helped them settle into a leadership style of behavior. However, she warns if children are way ahead of their peers, they can become bored in school, which isn’t good.

Alyssa agrees it can be a delicate balance. “On one hand, you want your children to be ready for school so that they can learn the most they possibly can,” she said. “But on the other hand, you don’t want to wait too long to put them in school.”

Those of us in Generation X are often accused of sheltering our children. We need to question our motives if paving an easier path is our sole reason for redshirting. The issue of kindergarten readiness is not simple, and making the decision for multiple children adds incredible complexity. Like all issues related to parenting multiples, there is no right or wrong answer — we each need to make the best decision we can for our families, and not look back.

Connie jokes about a height spike her twins had in 5th grade that made them basketball stars, but the stardom ended quickly when their teammates grew really soon after. Connie’s advice? “Make the decision based on your children’s ability to handle school and social situations, not for your own desire for a star athlete or student. We all have our places in life; let your children have their place as well.”

REGULATIONS DIFFER BY STATE AND SCHOOL

In many states, attendance in kindergarten is optional, with compulsory attendance beginning in 1st grade. If you’re considering redshirting your child/children, be sure to check for restrictions in your state and school district. Some public elementary schools, or their principals, have strict guidelines dictating a child’s admission. For example, one South Carolina mother told me that her child was tested for kindergarten readiness and, since the child passed, the principal would not allow delayed entry for her child. Some schools simply require a meeting with the principal for parents to explain their reasoning for wanting to delay their child’s entry. Other schools allow complete parental discretion, but parents need to contact their school before they make a decision, in case any paperwork or specific requirements need to be met.

ADVICE FROM A KINDEGARTEN TEACHER

Kindergarten teacher Alyssa Metze offers advice to parents trying to make the decision about redshirting. “Pay close attention to your children’s behavior and maturity level. If they seem as though they can handle working with other children, sitting in one place for at least 25 minutes, following directions, and are ready to learn more than just the basic alphabet and numbers, then you definitely need to put your child in school no matter their age,” said Alyssa.

Alyssa explains that a child who may seem a little behind can actually benefit by starting school on time and accessing the free resources available through public schools. “If you’ve been working with your children on learning the basics, like the alphabet and numbers, and they seem to be having difficulties, consider putting them in school by the age of 5 so they can get help and interventions earlier rather than later. Difficulties and developmental delays are best caught early.”

“No matter when you decide to enroll your children in kindergarten, please prepare them for school,” Alyssa advised. “Teach them the alphabet, colors, numbers, and to count. Hold conversations with them. The more you talk together the better vocabulary your child will have. Read to them at least once a day, but more would be great. Like little sponges, children learn the most within their first 3–4 years of life, before they even enter school.”

by Sara Barr
(originally published 2014)

“Your twins are just siblings who share a birthday. Treat them as such.”

That was the information I received from a pediatrician early in my parenthood journey. And while that is certainly valid advice, I never really felt like it applied to my children. The truth is, my identical twins share a lot more than a birth date. While they don’t look the same, they do look very similar, especially to people who don’t know them well. While they are individuals, they do share many of the same interests and hobbies.

Unlike singleton siblings, they often want to be involved in the same activities and on the same sports teams. Not because they want to be with their twin, but because they just like the same things. Therefore, it becomes a little bit more difficult to foster my twins’ individuality. Some of the tried-and-true methods, like enrolling multiples in different activities, do not apply. I want to ensure that my twins realize that they are two unique individuals, while they also remain true to themselves. So, here are a few of the intentional steps I take to build their sense of self.

NOTICE POSITIVE DIFFERENCES, BUT DON’T COMPARE

It’s natural for people to look for the similarities when it comes to multiples. But all multiples have physical and personality differences, even if they are subtle. I make a habit of noticing the differences in my twins and encourage others to as well. I don’t dress my multiples alike, especially if I know they will be around new people, like at school or at a gathering with extended family. If my twins will be meeting new people, I encourage them to wear some sort of identifying marker, like a designated color. I also empower my twins to correct people when they are called by the wrong name. However, resist the urge to compare, as that can be detrimental. Model behavior that embraces the differences in your multiples, and others will follow suit.

CREATE INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCES AND SPACES

Part of being an individual is having things that are just yours, or just for you. This can be difficult when it comes to multiples. They may share everything like clothes, toys, a bedroom, and even friends. So whenever possible, I try to provide two separate experiences even if it is within the same activity. Maybe you have one birthday party, but two cakes. Or they play the same sport, but in different positions. If they share a bedroom, make sure they each have their own area to decorate and express themselves however they see fit. Allowing all multiples to create their own experiences is important.

PRIORITIZE ONE-ON-ONE TIME

Separating my twins for one-on-one time is a struggle because they really love being together. But I know how important it is for all kids to get undivided attention. Taking just one child with you while running errands is great for everyone. They get some alone time and having just one with you feels like a vacation. I also try to find time with each child where they get to control the activity. Spending time with a child doing something that they really enjoy helps build confidence and self-esteem.

With a little bit of planning, you can embrace each child’s essence and foster the things that make them who they truly are. Have conversations early and often about differences in all types of people. Read developmentally appropriate books that reinforce this message. And seek out experiences that help your child learn more about themselves. Creating a culture of individuality with your multiples is possible no matter how similar your children may be.

by Ali Dunn, guest columnist

Ali is mother to identical twins born at 28 weeks’ gestation. She is the founder of Me Two Books and the author of four children’s books: I Was a Preemie Just Like You, I Needed the NICU Just Like You, One of Two, a Twin Story about Individuality, and The Career Explorer.

“Aiden and Ethan look like an ordinary pair of fraternal twin brothers,” writes Dr. Nancy Segal in her newest book, Gay Fathers, Twin Sons. But their story, as told by Segal, is far from ordinary. Their story is one that grabbed global headlines. Their story is one that stands as an inspiration for families who fear being divided.

Aiden and Ethan, now 6 years old, are heteopaternal twins. “Unlike most fraternal twins (and non-twin siblings) who share 50 percent of their genes, on average Aiden and Ethan share only about 25 percent,” explains Segal in her newest book. Genetically equivalent to half-siblings, both boys have the same anonymous egg donor, but not the same father. Both boys were carried by a surrogate in the same pregnancy.

Their unusual story is more than genetics, though. Their story actually begins with their parents, Andrew and Elad. Andrew Banks, a citizen of the United States with dual citizenship in Canada, and Elad Dash, a citizen of Israel, first saw each other in the overseas student office of Tel Aviv University in 2008. They dated for nearly two and a half years, then Andrew finally proposed by attaching an engagement bracelet as a collar around their dog’s neck. Segal interviewed many of their friends and learned that the two men “complete each other.” They were married in Canada in 2010. The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was the reason they married outside the United States.

Segal interviewed Andrew and Elad in order to tell their story firsthand. She also checked in with friends and family of the couple, gathering their memories and perspectives on Andrew and Elad’s amazing journey. The story that evolved is one of Andrew and Elad through the years, their struggles of growing up gay, one in the United States and one in Israel, and their efforts to build a life as a married couple, who then became parents of twins.

The story goes on to detail the legal proceedings that ensued when the couple went to the American Consulate in Toronto to apply for U.S. citizenship. A DNA test to determine the paternity of the twins was required, revealing news that Andrew and Elad already knew. Aiden was the biological son to Andrew, and Ethan was the biological son of Elad. That meant Aiden, as the son of a U.S. citizen, would be granted U.S. citizenship, but Ethan, who was the son of an Israeli citizen, would not. The ensuing lawsuit filed by Andrew and Elad nearly reached the U.S. Supreme Court, placing the fathers and their sons in a global spotlight along the way.

“Some names become headline news, but not because of an extraordinary accomplishment or exceptional skill,” Segal writes in the book. “This can happen unexpectedly, when a person’s life events do not align with what the law requires or what society demands.

“Without intention, some individuals leave a lasting mark on legal interpretation, social policy, and/or public awareness, easing the lives of those who come after them. Andrew Dvash-Banks is such a person,” Segal concludes. She also said that Elad’s experience and response to the challenge were equally noteworthy.

“Feeling insulted by the United States when they did not accept his son, Elad, together with Andrew, fought back …He [Elad] refused to take the easy way out, not just for his son Ethan, but for other desperate families who fear being divided.”

Gay Fathers, Twin Sons the Citizenship Case that Captured the World by Dr. Nancy Segal became available August 8. Published by Roman & Littlefield, the book is available through major book retailers.

Read a short preview of the book.

By Mary Adcock, Multiples of America President

This article is just one of many from our bi-monthly member publication, Multiple Connections. Each full issue is posted in the Members Only section of our website. If you are a member, log in using your Members Only password to browse through other issues. If you aren’t yet a member of Multiples of America, consider joining us through a local club or as an affiliate to access our newsletters and a wealth of other resources. Learn more