Day: September 10, 2024

Our multiples enter this world as a set. When young adulthood takes over and they begin to follow different paths, as parents we’re often caught off guard. But in truth, many multiples will choose a direction in life vastly different from his or her siblings. Many will choose a road less traveled, a path misaligned with what their parents have in mind. The challenge for parents is offering guidance and support for each child’s decisions, all the while allowing them to find their own paths to happiness.

Twins Who Choose a College Path May Change Their Minds
Sometimes a career path begins with higher education, and sometimes it doesn’t. It can be difficult for parents of multiples when some children choose college and others don’t. One mom in Pennsylvania has triplets who graduated high school in the spring. All three planned to attend college in the fall. Then the day after high school graduation, her son, Sam, changed his mind.

“I thought I’d have all three in college,” she said. “Sam’s siblings left for an adventure, and he was left behind. It was hardest with his brother not being around, since they are very close and had planned to room together in college.”

After a year at home, Sam enrolled and the brothers both attended college. Their sister Kyra, however, withdrew from college before the end of her first semester and now works part time.

This proves that early academic performance isn’t necessarily a good indicator of future interest. “My daughter’s academic prowess became apparent in elementary school. Kyra was an avid reader, performed well on tests and was very conscientious about her homework. The boys were never great students.”

This mom explained to her children that she is proud of each of them, even though their paths and decisions have varied. “The biggest challenge as my children chose different paths was acceptance,” she said. “I worry about them, and I’m trying to prevent them from some of the struggles and mistakes that I made.”

As a parent, it’s tough to watch your children make choices that could have a negative effect on their futures. Without a degree, a child’s options for a career might be limited, but they still would have choices.

Twins Who Choose a Skilled Trade
Another mom of multiples from Oklahoma says, “My sons are very different and always have been. My biggest challenge is accepting the fact that my boys don’t communicate or see each other often.” Travis works in the automotive department at Wal-Mart. Patrick completed his bachelor’s degree then joined the Army.

Travis and Patrick have been able to choose their own paths without being influenced by the other’s choices. “To be happy, it is very important for young adults to do what they want and not what somebody else wants them to do, whether it is their twin, sibling or other family member,” she said, while offering advice to other parents whose children are headed in different directions. “Recognize that they are individuals. Encourage them to do their own thing, and don’t hold them back from what they want.”

A mom of twin girls in Indiana faced a similar situation. In college, when the girls were separated from each other for the first time, the family noticed that real differences were emerging. One daughter excelled on her own, dedicating all her free time to her schoolwork. The other wasn’t challenged with college, finding it boring and lonely. To make matters worse, her roommates weren’t motivated in their schoolwork, and they served as a poor influence. However, she liked the city life, so she chose to find a job rather than continue with college.

“We support both our daughters, knowing that they cannot succeed if they are not happy with what they are doing,” their mom said, recognizing that many parents wish their children would make different choices. “That is our problem to deal with, not theirs. Our job is to love them and nurture them and teach them right from wrong, and hope that they grow and flourish on their own.”

Kids these days know that a college degree won’t guarantee financial stability, and many college graduates face outrageous student loan debts. Many of those working in skilled trades can earn a decent living straight out of high school, which is an attractive path since most young adults aren’t thinking long-term.

Multiples Separating, Often for the First Time
The parents interviewed for this article agree the biggest challenge for their multiples is not seeing each other as often as the they would like. Separate colleges or different career paths often place the kids in different cities. School calendars don’t always coincide with work holidays and time off.

The daughters of that Indiana mom live four hours apart, but their bond has strengthened in recent years. “They are on different paths, but are excited to share what they have learned or accomplished in their individual lives,” she said. “They actually enjoy spending time together now. What more could I ask for?”

Taking Different Paths to Motherhood
Another scenario parents may face with their multiples is one starting a family at a much younger age than the other. A mom in Arizona has identical twin girls, now grown adults, one of whom became a wife and mother of two during her teen years.

The twins, Tina and Cheryl, began developing separate interests during the middle school years. During high school, the girls finally wanted their own bedrooms, “and we kind of went as far from each other as we could,” remembers Cheryl. “Tina got into heavy metal, wearing all black and being a bit of a troublemaker. I was a square, good girl.”

“In high school, partying and hanging out with my friends was my priority, and Cheryl chose the straight and narrow path, Tina said. “It was then that the jokes began that she was the good twin and I was the bad twin.” To this day, the family still refers to that time in Tina’s life as her ‘black phase.’ Despite having her first child at 16 and her second at 18, Tina graduated high school.

“It was tough to see Tina make her choices, which I thought were not good choices,” said Cheryl, who attended college for one year, then got married and had her first child in her late 20s.

Ironically, Tina makes the same claim: “The hardest thing for me was not judging Cheryl for her choice to remain ‘square,’ as we called it in high school. We joke now about meeting in the middle as far as being wild and being square. Now, we both support each other on our different paths, and we are each other’s biggest fans.”

A turning point in their relationship occurred when Cheryl was pregnant with her first child. She told Tina that if she didn’t ‘change her ways,’ Tina couldn’t be a part of Cheryl’s pregnancy or parenting. “There was no way I would allow that to happen,” recalled Tina. “So I did change my ways. While it was hard for Cheryl to say that to me, it was a good decision because I needed something to snap me back to reality.”

Cheryl confirms it was a tough thing to say and tough thing for Tina to hear. “But it worked because that was when we started getting closer again,” Cheryl said.

Twins Supporting Each Others’ Individual Paths
Cheryl believes that twins should be encouraged to follow individual paths, and her sister agrees. “Being a twin is an amazing thing,” said Tina. “However, we are still individual people with different likes and dislikes, different strengths and weaknesses, and different interests. It would be boring to have a twin who was exactly like me.”

The early entry into parenthood didn’t deter Tina from working toward her goals in life. She earned her bachelor’s degree in accounting in her 40s, then enrolled in a master’s program. Tina now works for an accounting firm where she does bookkeeping, payrolls and tax returns.

Cheryl and Tina agree they will always be there for each other, and they feel fortunate to be so close at this stage in their lives. Cheryl said, “We joke about dying at the same time, sitting on our porch in our rocking chairs.” Tina confirmed the joke, “We still will be together when we are 90, sitting on our porch with our cats, laughing about life.”

No matter what paths in life our multiples take, we can only hope they all have happy endings.

By Sara Barr